I know probably not a single person is wondering about this, but the main reason why I have such a problem keeping up with things like blogging is because of depression. I know that totally sounds like an excuse, but it’s a difficult thing to overcome, and even more so to explain to someone who has never experienced it before.
Of course, when I say depression, I am not referring to feeling justifiable sadness because something is going on in your life that is bringing you down. I am talking about completely irrational feelings of worthlessness, apathy, pain, and helplessness. This is what I have dealt with on and off for most of my life. This is because, unfortunately, I am bipolar. Even when I am happy, I know that I’m only cresting the roller coaster and everything is just going to crash again. It’s a really jaded way of thinking, but I have ruined so many things in my life because of my cyclical moods.
Depression is a beast that eats everything that you love until you can’t feel anymore, leaving nothing but emptiness. When you are bipolar, this beast is a goddamn tease. It pretends to leave so that you think that everything’s going to be okay, only for it to devour you again when you’ve fixed your life. I really wish that it wasn’t such an impediment to creativity. There is so much that I would love to do, but like everything else, it kills your motivation. I have wasted so much time, and I only truly realize this when I come out of one of my moods. It is such a pain in the ass.
Here I am, 29 years old, in a dead end job with loads of debt, simply because I start things and don’t finish them. It’s that simple. The road to Hell really is paved with good intentions.